I think in poems, meters and rhymes. When I am alone and my mind is able to drift I imagine words are like flowers adorning every part of my life. Language is beautiful and it runs through my mind whimsically placing words together in dramatic monologues. I dream in allusions and my husband would sometimes say I probably live there too. I remember being a little girl looking out the window of our big blue van on vacation and creating poems in my mind about whatever we passed. Eccentric, playful or fanciful … maybe all of them, but either way it’s who I am. Walking among the lines of words and language. I love to read and I love even more to read books filled language that is verbose – it fills my soul, makes me think.
Since I was a young child I have been a people pleaser – I have always wanted to be liked and to be loved. This desire to please others kept these words inside of my head, shut down and silenced. I have spent the majority of my life being affected by others perceptions of me. An invisible line that held me down and kept me from pursuing the things I love or being who I am without fear.
When we moved to Richmond something in me changed. Altered. I believe I just felt free. Free from those who thought they knew me. Free from myself. I was also alone. No girlfriends to have dinner with or to visit, and instead I finally and fully turned my face to the Lord. It wasn’t something I talked about in small group it was something I wholeheartedly pursued. The face of Jesus. He was waiting for me. Waiting to meet me and sit with my soul. Waiting to heal me. Waiting for me to have a voice again. And when I let go he healed me. Richmond was the place for this catalyst. God brought me here knowing I would dive deep onto my knees with my heart and my soul.
PEOPLE PLEASER NO MORE! God reminded me who I was meant to be, who HE created me to be and it is not to hide under others. I am His and He is mine.
As I sit at the shores of Lake Powell the sun begins to rise; water fills my eyes. I am grateful. Grateful for the journey that brought me here to this moment. With tears dripping down my cheeks. I start to sob. Who cries when they are so grateful? I do. I have been in so many beautiful places lately. Where beauty rules and there is no part of it that history has not altered. Saltiness hits my lips and I have a revelation. It’s a gift. God has gifted me these moments. He has gifted my family this adventure. My children these memories and my husband time away from work and with our family. All gifts we have been given. I will forever hold this beauty in my heart altered.
I am not the person I was a few years ago when I moved to Richmond. I am not the same person I was when we left on this adventure. And I am so grateful. Grateful I have a voice and am not ashamed and not afraid. Grateful for friendships that have inspired, encouraged and pressed in. Grateful for this adventure. For a healed marriage, healthy children and more beautiful places to explore. God made such a beautiful world.
Life is good. This is not just a cliché, this is the truth. Keep going friends. Let go of others expectations, be free. You were made for a purpose and you will never fulfill it when you carry the opinions of others on your back. Have courage dear ones, life is so much better without the anchor of perfection and the weight of fear. Imagine the beauty that awaits you. I promise you it is lovely.
